Tuesday 7/20 - Family Values

Kathy and I always joked that we each enjoyed being a single parent---as long as it wasn't for too long. In the short run, it was always easier to work with the boys, decide what was for dinner and how the evening would play out. But we'd grow tired of it if it went on for more than 7 or 10 days. If it did, we'd start wearing thin and the house "karma" would get chaotic.

Fortunately, neither of our work schedules took us away from home many times for such long durations.

For those of you who knew us, you knew we were both very analytical people who enjoyed knowing the rules and how to succeed within that structure. Several years ago, Kathy and I started work on "rules" for the Mansfield house. What we valued together and how we'd want those values to affect our family. We pulled from numerous sources and freely edited. These rules helped to remind us and the boys our mutual rights as well as responsibilities of being a family.

Today started the 10th week for me as a single parent. So I took the time to re-edit the rules, discuss them with the boys and re-post them in our kitchen. Thought some of you might enjoy seeing them:

In the Mansfield house, we value:

Honesty. When you tell me something, I can believe it. I can also count on you not to omit important information that you know I’d like to receive.

Perseverance. We don’t give up easily. If something’s tough, I expect you to keep trying. If you hit a roadblock, come to me and I’ll try to help. If we can go no further, then so be it, but we give 100 percent effort.

Compassion for others. In our family we try to put ourselves in other people’s shoes. I expect you to care about my and other people’s feelings, and to act accordingly.

Faithfulness. We celebrate God in our house. We will pray each day and we will give blessings for our meals. We also will attend church on a regular basis.

Volunteerism. When we can help others, we will. Whether this means a quick trip to deliver food or supplies to someone in need, to help a neighbor or friend who needs us, or to work a community service project, we will try to give back to this world some of the blessings that we have received.

Responsibility. In our household, we keep our promises and fulfill our responsibilities. If you or I say that we will do something by a certain date or time, it will be done. If we run into a problem or a time crunch, we will alert the person and work out a solution. We do not take responsibility lightly.

Zero tolerance for illegal substance use. No one in our home will use illegal substances. That includes underage alcohol usage (a substance that becomes legal at age 21) or street drugs of any kind. None, nada, zip, zilch.

Work before play. I expect you to get your homework done before going out with friends, playing videogames or watching TV or engaging in hours of outside play. Sure, you can take a break after school, but I don’t want to deal with homework hassles at bedtime. I also expect that household chores will be performed in a timely manner.

Politeness. I will be polite to you, even when irritated or annoyed, and I expect the same in return. Sure, we may get a bit testy at times, but I will apologize for my slip-ups, as I expect you to do also.

Respect for elders. Although I may seem a bit old-fashioned at times and perhaps “out of it,” I expect your respect. Find tolerance for my “senior dad moment of forgetfulness” and my disciplinary ways, but value my years of experience and wisdom. In return, you’ll see that I will show great respect for your thoughts and behaviors.

Communication even when grumpy. When you’re upset and sulky, I know that you may not want to talk with me. That’s understandable. But please understand that your lack of communication leaves me guessing — I don’t know whether it’s something that I’ve done (or not done) or whether it has to do with your friends or school. Your grumpiness can frighten me and I need to know the cause. You don’t have to tell me intimacies or secrets, just let me know where it’s coming from and whether I can help. In return, I will respect your feelings and give you your privacy.

Athletic endeavors. We value a healthy body as well as a strong mind. Therefore, I’d like you to try out some sports, both individual and team, until you find one that you like or at least can tolerate. If not, then you need to run, jog, or exercise in some fashion at least three times a week. I’ll do it with you if you want a partner in pain.

Academic achievement. In this family, we work to our potential. I don’t expect you to necessarily be the best student at school but I do want you to complete all of your homework assignments and to study adequately for tests.

Reliability and promptness. I will be on time and so will you. I can be counted on to pick you up when I say I will so you will not be left waiting. On your part, you will be ready to go when it is time to leave or be picked up. Also, when you say that you’ll be home by a certain time, it will be that time—not 15 minutes later. When I call you in from outside play, I expect you to hear me and to come right home.